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Odds & Ends
Culture Shock
By Jim Plunkett

Well, it was only a few weeks ago that I wrote you from Florida's gulf coast where I was playing golf and enjoying the local cuisine served by imported Peruvian waiters. Did I say something about a culture shock after leaving my native Peru? Forget it!

Here I was criticizing Lima with jugglers and acrobats at the intersections looking for a free handout. As I was coming off I-75 in pursuit of our first golf course in a posh Sarasota neighbourhood, there were two well tanned characters, one with a trimmed moustache but both with improvised signs indicating, “Homeless-God Bless you all!” You know, I don't mind these guys looking for a handout, but they don't even juggle or do acrobatics. I naturally returned the greeting, “ God bless you, boys.”

While the Peruvian authorities were back in the jungle city of Iquitos trying to control the illegal export of parrots, iguanas, and butterflies, the Florida Fish and Game were busy trying to protect the alligators from the frightened neighbours in the residential zones. Just a week before we arrived, three young women were attacked and killed in the area, one while taking her early morning jog. You can imagine how I felt as I approached the green on the 17th hole from the rough as a 1.80 meter alligator watched me swing only a short distance from my objective. Needless to say it wasn't one of my best holes. Alligators are not considered a hazard on local golf courses. Oh yeah?

Things were going great with my cultural experience until I had to fly between Miami and Washington, D.C., the nation's capitol. Now I'm all for this new security stuff at the airports, especially when it comes to limiting undesirables from my flight, but it can be embarrassing. I was asked to remove my coin purse, my shoes, my blazer with brass buttons, pen, glasses, and finally my belt. Since I have lost weight, my pants fell down without the belt and there were some insidious snickers from two attractive young ladies that were following me. Red-faced, I then waited to observe if they were wearing steel reinforced bras. Bad luck! To top it off, American Airlines wanted me to buy a breakfast.

Washington was great. I saw lots of museums, monuments, a motorcade with about three black limos and a squad of secret service vehicles which must have been George W. heading for his two hour tour of Bagdad, and several thousands of Latinos peacefully marching up and down the Mall with messages intended for Sr. Bush about legalizing 12 million illegals that want to share the social security, health, and school benefits paid by the IRS each year. Meanwhile, the perturbed congressmen only a few blocks away were debating on how much they should spend to build The Great Wall of Mexico, which is intended to deter aspirant “southerners” from visiting the U.S. on a permanent basis during the evening hours. It has been rumoured that skilled labor will be sought on the southern side of the new wall to reduce the cost. Great idea.

In Washington you can expect just about anything, since it is really a melting point of cultures. It is the center of diplomacy and a sari is as common as a kimono or a four-piece suit. My old neighbourhood of Boston was expected to be as cosmopolite and conservative as I had recalled as a university student. I had to show off its famous and historical central park to my spouse, the Boston Common. According to the guidebook, “The Common has been used for many different purposes throughout its long history. Until 1830 cattle grazed the Common and up to 1817, public hangings took place.” Well, you can imagine our amazement to find a little old bag lady poking through the trash cans for bottles and sundries while a derelict sat peeing from a park bench in the direction of a pair of young lovers kissing on a blanket in the grass. Even more scandalous was hearsay that there had been a decapitation in a local neighbourhood the previous night and we naturally felt more at home.

Eating out was also quite an experience. Not that we were tempted by the fast food opportunities like McDonald´s, Burger King and of course, Chucky Cheese, but all these famous calorie factories are now offering a series of alternatives like mini-burgers and Weight Watchers salads, accompanied by free gallons of Coca Cola Diet. One original new facility they have added is wider seats and bigger doggie bags so you don't have to be embarrassed about eating so much in public. We fortunately stuck to the fresh boiled lobster and steamed little neck clams dipped in garlic butter.

The famous culture shock wasn't so shocking after all. Beggars on the corners, snarled traffic jams, protests in the streets, politicians creating new expenditures, bums peeing in the parks, and McDonald´s offering new bargains for the gullible. The only concern I have at my own golf club is fighting off the sharks instead of the alligators. It's great to be home.

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