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How to Cook a Husband
Great-grandma's recipe found in an old American attic
Author Unknown

A good many husbands are utterly spoiled by mismanagement in cooking, and so are not tender and good. Some women keep them constantly in hot water and others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference. Some keep them in a stew by irritating words and ways; others keep them in a pickle all their lives, while some waste them all together. It cannot be supposed that any husband will be tender and good if managed in this way, but they are really extremely delicious when properly managed.

Be sure to select the husband yourself, as tastes differ. Do not go to the market place for him as the best are always brought to the door. A pleasant attractive kettle of fine porcelain is best to keep him in, but if you have nothing better than earthenware, it will do with care. Tie him into the kettle by a strong cord called comfort, as the one called duty is apt to be weak.

Make a clear, steady fire out of love, neatness and cheerfulness. Set him as near this as seems to agree with him; if he sputters do not be anxious. Only if he tends to fly out of the kettle and so become burned and crusty around the edges. If this happens do not set him in too cold a place.

Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call kisses, but no vinegar or pepper on any account. A little spice improves them, but it must be used with great judgment. Just stir him gently lest he lie too flat and close to the kettle and so become useless. If thus heated you will find him very digestible, agreeing perfectly with you, and he will keep as long as you want.

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